The Fashionista: Tempest Style

So… have you ever known someone with NO fashion sense?  If not, let me introduce you to my Dad – aka the scribe – and the shoes he considers/ed his “good” work shoes:

At best, these are like 10 years old!

So, The Tempest took matters into her own teeth.  I could see that with a few modifications he could maybe look like someone inhabiting the current trends.  After all, everyone knows that the open heel look is so in vogue.  So while my parents were off at work (Dad wearing his “dress” sneakers) I went to work to update his shoes to meet the”?=]\):

Now, if I am to be fully honest, I have to give Sambuca a bit of credit… and the weather.  See, yesterday it was quite stormy so we were inside most of the evening.  That on top of the ‘Bu having puked up a bunch of his lunch in the afternoon and not being interested in his dinner – which resulted in him having virtually no leg strength and getting my parents all worked up and staying up totally late worrying about his failing health – I had a bunch of built up psychic energy that was subsequently directed to my fashion inspiration!

Luckily, after some treats last night and a full breakfast and dinner today, Sammy is back to his old self and as a happy consequence my father is now in 2017 fashion!

The Tempest

PS – Hope I don’t end up puking up that tasty leather that was a part of his shoe.

PPS – RIP Mr. Petty

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Ouch! That Stings!

I gotta tell you right off the bat that this weekend was a painful one.  You may be thinking it has to do with that pitiful football game my parents attended in Michigan – which did leave a pretty nasty scar on their psyche – but nothing like the last time Sparty came to town…but we won’t get into that today.

The real problem occurred after we returned home.

But before then, I had a grand time on the drive home.  I can’t tell you how many people smile and waved at me while they were on a walk after we got off the “freeway”…even when I was barking at their dogs.  See, once we get onto the side streets, the magic roof opens up and lets me look out and get great sniffs.  I’ll have to show you some of the movies and live photos that were taken of me on these occasions but for now I’ll just leave you with a couple of pictures.

And once home, I was enjoying our time in the backyard.

Here I am sitting on my chair watching an episode of Vera (apparently we weren’t interested in more football on Sunday).IMG_4983 2

Then, during a lull in the action, i took a moment to smell the roses…or rather the citrus tree flowers.

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When all of a sudden one of these guys somehow ended up in my mouth!

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Then I felt this strange sensation course through my lip and mouth.  I flung my head around a bit and I immediately started getting my paws involved – rubbing my face.  That little flying devil had stung me!!!  Recently on a walk Dad went through a similar response – and although concerned for his sanity – I did not understand the cause of his freak out.  Now I realize that I better bite first and taste/sniff later.

The Tempest

P.S.  Lest you think I was ignored, my Parent’s were very concerned.  My Mom got a handful of ice and Dad brought me to her and I rubbed my face in it.  OOOooo so much better!  They read everything about possible reactions to watch me and I am just fine.  Not sure I will avoid those beasts in the future, but they hope I do!

 

First Down

Well, if I was to be completely honest I might be more on my forth down seeing as I have already gotten my teeth into my parent’s down coats, my grandfather’s down coat (the Michigan one, but my New Mexico grandfather better keep his eyes peeled next time I visit in the winter) and of course the couch pillows.  Seems I have a thing for the Eiders and their precious feathers.  But really, who could stand having all those bird smells around without getting their nose into them?  So this time it was a package from my NM grandmother.  They are visiting soon and if this package is any indication we are going to have a grand time!  Yay me!

So forth down.  Turns out this package had me grandmama’s favorite understuffed pillow in it along with a very comfy (and edible) throw blanket.  My parent’s (that would be my dad but I was just trying to save him the humiliation that he is due) made the mistake of coming home first and bringing in the mail, before going to pick up their car from it’s first year (12.5K) checkup.  Of course, this would have been fine if they put the package with my treats behind any of the gates meant to keep me out of their business or behind one of the many locked doors around our house.  Instead, he put the box on the counter and pushed it all the way to the back thinking it was out of my reach… apparently forgetting my long legs and persistence when I have a new target in my nose.  And that little kong stuffed with treats to distract me would only last so long.   I am one efficient bitch.

Anyhow, when they got home they tried that new game where I have to find dad in the backyard.  If you pay careful attention to the first part of this video you may hear my mother sounding the alarm.  I of course stayed true to my task and eventually located my dad…while mom hollered and Sammy wandered about aimlessly.

This is what we all found when we got back to the living room.  No idea how this came about…other than the fact I was left alone without being given dinner.

In case you hadn’t noticed, the clean-up took breaking out the shop vac.  Guess I could have just as well called this blog the shop vac…the Dyson was not enough.

The Tempest – does look like a storm came through, eh?  Cannot wait for the visit!

The Tempest Workout Plan

Do I have a 6-pack?  Oh yeah I do…despite what the vet said recently.   Last time I was in the office she made a comment that although I was 57 pounds (down one from the time before) that “54 would look good on me.”  I of course looked at her indignantly and gave a very understandable grrr (but under my breath since she is the one with the all those needles and nail clippers).  Reminds me of the time my dad went to buy a suit and the sales guy said he needed vents in his jacket given “this” – at which point he pointed to his rump (he also let out a low grrrr – or so he told me).

So, as a result of the vets comment my meals have been reduced in an effort to get me to meet this new weight goal (btw – dad never did was put on the same restrictions despite his need for venting in his jacket).  So I took matters into my own paws.  I know there are two ways to lose weight – both related to the whole calories in/calories out thing.  So my plan was to up the calories out side of the equation and start lifting weights.   I tried this before but since the bar bells were my mothers I was told I had to find another way.

Which is when I heard about the 6-pack work out plan and it just so happens I saw one of these when I was at my grandparents recently.  Here is a short video illustrating the end of my work out:

You may be wondering why my grandparents had a six pack of beer sitting outside…especially with all those nasty beer-swilling skunks (and opossums) running around.  Just so happens that it wasn’t outside but in the basement and it wasn’t a full 6-pack but one with only two bottles in it.  Thus you could see why I was so frustrated that not only was my workout 4 short but that there was no bottle opener so I couldn’t even refresh with some hardy calories in!

Here is the full workout plan:

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The Tempest

Unfortunately, the quality of that powerpoint slide that I had the scribe make may not be good enough after it was inserted into this blog for you to understand the workout so I will recap it for you in words.

  1. I walked downstairs to get the 6-pack
  2. I carried the 6-pack upstairs
  3. I took the 6-pack through the dog door outside
  4. I carried it across the deck and into the backyard.
  5. Bet you wish someone had captured the whole thing on video, eh?  😉
  6. My parents wondered where on earth I got the beer.  My FarMor noted the basement so they pieced it together.  TempiTrouble!

D.I.M.: Home Improvement Addition

DIM is obviously an acronym for “do it myself”.  I thought it was more polite than what I really want to say which is JGOOMWAAWM.  Plus it is a pronounceable acronym which we like to collect in our family.  Like SCUBA, RADAR, OMSI (well in Portland they think that is pronounceable), MASH,  etc.

So the other day I was playing fetch with Dad when accidentally something totally unexpected and unanticipated occured.  So happens, this may have been my best idea EVER.

See, after throwing the object we were playing with, Dad absentmindedly turned and closed the screen door – even though it is my habit to run past him with my prize upon return from the “fetch” portion of the game.  Usually, the next part game is a tug of war of sorts where I either drop the toy or proceed to wrestle him for it until he sticks his fingers in my mouth and pries it open – the rules of this part of the game being established before beginning, of course.  I have gotten a lot better with the finger thing since I can see it coming (and know it is coming due to our agreement) so I can twist my head in all sorts of directions to prevent his prying ways.  I of course growl viciously during this part too since it adds to the drama!  So anyhow, rather than running into the house through the open door I ran through the screen door Dad had just closed and VIOLA! an instant dog door!  Brilliant I am! …once I shook of the cobwebs and realized what I had accomplished.

From then on I have another way to get outside OR more importantly to the couch from outside to bark at any trespassers on our sidewalk.  Even Sammy has taken to using my new invention – although the old guy still gets confused on occasion.

In case you doubt me, on the utility of my work, here is a short video with a few examples.

The Tempest

BTW, JGOOMWAAWM = Just get out of my way already and watch me

Neighborhood Watch: Not IT

Our block is under attack.  We have three confirmed direct hits and another we are aware of  being shot at but we do not know if they were negatively impacted.  And then today a neighbor said there were five casualties.

A list of the victims:

  1.   Kennadee
  2.   Lulu
  3.  Hawkeye??
  4.  Ben and Jerry
  5. Unknown

Aside from that, I watched one of the suspects running across the street at dusk the other night while we were returning from our walk.  We also were told by another neighbor that they saw TWO of these gang members strutting around the area.

Here is a sequential map of the crime spree:

SprayingsSo, to no one’s surprise we are on White Stripe Alert.   Strict night time curfews and defensive protocols in are in place…such as clapping prior to going into the yard at night, all lights on after dusk (including the ones upstairs by the balcony).  And so far, all is well at house Tempi.

Now, to be quite clear, I am not afraid of no stinkin’ skunks.   The one that tried to get me earlier this summer at my Grandparent’s house in Michigan barely grazed me with his anal sack release of that volatile organic thiol compounds.  Or as Sammy thinks of them, the vomitile compounds.  Luckily, I have amazing reflexes – which I can attest Sammy DOES not have – and probably never did.  Suffice it to say that the little bugger didn’t rattle me one bit.  Yeah, the odor wasn’t my favorite thing but I figured a little dusting would be good camouflage the next time I got close to him.   Kinda like when you go to the mall and get hit by the perfume counter people…so much easier to sneak up on them the next time and see if they are packing any treats – not that I get to go to malls very often but I can tell whenever my parents went to the Apple store because they smell like they got sprayed.  In this particular instance, however, they immediately dosed me with Skunk-Off so my stealth tactics were thwarted.   And then this time when we went to Michigan (which just so happen was this weekend) the “defensive protocols” were enacted despite no reported crimes in their neighborhood – although FarMor did say she smelled evidence of foul smelling play.

So we now have one more training exercise added to our list to go along with:

  1.  When being chased by a bear, run down hill
  2. When being chased by a shark, grab it by the tail fin and drag it backward
  3. When being chased by an alligator run zigzagged
  4. When being chased by a tiger punch it directly in the open mouth at the back of the throat
  5. When being chased by a wolf see #4

When a skunk stands on his front legs…run like there is no tomorrow.  Wish us well in our training and if needed practical execution of the aforementioned actions.

standing skunk

The Tempest

…and in case you missed us, a few pics of Sam and me.

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Garbage

So last night, I was once again minding my own business and waiting for my parents to return home from work.  This is when I heard the garage door opening which is my first clue they are home…Sammy usually snoozes through this part.  I make fun of him every time but he counters with some claim that back in the day the garage door opening was the final clue (aside from the door opening) because he heard the car coming down the street “days” in advance.  I think he must be smoking something or having old age hallucinations or something because I can’t hear the car – unless I am in the right spot and hear the tires on the driveway.  Anyhow, before I digress, let me just tell you that on this occasion only Mom came through the door leading from the garage into our house.   This happens every so often…if I were to guess it is about once a week…but us dogs don’t pay that close attention to your arbitrary divisions of time.  We like to base things on smells…like it smells like spring, or it smells like skunk season (I know, I owe you a skunk story), or it must be summer because steaks are sizzling on the grill at a much more frequent interval.   But now that I think of it, there is a smell that oscillates at a frequency of about 7 days – which if I understand it – is a week.  The smell usually ebbs and flows from this bin outside our backdoor that my parents throw crap in on some days and then intermittently move to the front yard, after which it comes back much less interesting odor wise.

So, back to yesterday – which turns out to be the high tide of smells just before my Mom let us out into the backyard.  It took me just a moment to realize this odor had vacated the premises along with the aforementioned bin. It was at this point I noticed my Dad’s abandoned backpack lying outside on the ground.  Immediately, panic stricken, I searched the yard for any trace of him.  Of course, I got a quick scent of his smell on the wind (and backpack) but other than that no signs of him.   Sammy eventually sauntered out after me and proceeded to void his bladder right there…in my odor path to locate my Dad.  What was he thinking?!?!  Dad is MIA and the old guy just goes about his business?!??

After giving him (Sammy) the old evil eye, I put my nose (and eyes) to work.   This is when I noticed a creeper lurking in the bushes by our back patio.  Instantly, I went on high alert, and acted to defend our territory.  Growling, barking (with hackles raised no doubt) I moved in on the intruder.   My Mom came up from behind me and questioned my deductive reasoning…Sammy laughing the whole time.   As you’ll see (or rather hear) from the attached “video,” I eventually caught on to the fact that the guy intruding on us WAS my Dad!  I sprinted to him and gave him lots of kisses as I scolded him for tricking me this way.  Then I turned my wrath on Sammy.  WHY did you not warn me about this so called “game.”  He just shrugged – as much as an old dog could shrug – and said if I had listened to him I would have known this could happen.  Then he made the almost inexcusable accusation that I did not pay complete attention to Montana’s blog!  He then referred to post she made a while back … which coincidentally he could not find any documentation of tonight (just saying).  I think it is him once again reporting Fake News.

Unfortunately, my search for Dad, which I didn’t even really know was for him, was supposedly being “videotaped” (this anachronism is something my parents can’t seem to let go of even if the iPhone does not have tape) but for some reason the only thing retained in the file was the audio – this is driving my parents nuts, but oh well.  Is what it is.  I put my best “face” on this clip that distinctly depicts my Mother telling me to relax and (less distinctly) the kisses I gave Dad once I found him.  I sure hope he can figure out what happened to the video because I’d love for you to see my defensive posture and rejoice that I didn’t need to defend our turf but just welcome my parents home after another long day at work!  A girl’s work is never done in this household…just saying.

The Tempest

-HEY!  HE said he’d put my best FACE forward!  What the…

That is total Garbage Dad!